Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
How external is "for external use only"?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
