i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize