Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
