wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
