Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize