just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
