all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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