OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
