Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
