How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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