He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
