she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
