dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
