And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
