You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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