I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
