when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
