The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
