Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
