I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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