We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize