I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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