So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
