You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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