How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
try to milk me bitch
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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