I faked an abortion last night.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We had sex on a dog bed..
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
