The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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