I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
