Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
