It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
