but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Vodka?
Forever.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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