i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
