How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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