saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize