and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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