by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
