im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
