We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
