There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I FOUND THE LEGS
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
