I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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