The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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