you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
