im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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