dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
