Dual....:-)
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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