The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Come back. Shots need mouths.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
