Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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