I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
