they need to just BURY HIM!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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