That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
