I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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