Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
only you would photoshop your dick
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
