found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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