I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
