We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize