So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize