sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
